fierybluebird: (glasses make me smart and serious)
Marco the Phoenix ([personal profile] fierybluebird) wrote2014-04-14 10:59 pm
Entry tags:

Letters from Xifer

A series of correspondence letters between a phoenix and his boy.
heartismyown: (Fly Away)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-04-16 07:59 am (UTC)(link)

I never expected to get a letter for you. I didn't know you could really talk. That's kind of cool. Thatch is the big guy, right? I don't think I can ask him that, he always turns my questions back at me. It's kind of annoying.

I don't remember Ikki saying anything like that, but that's really useful. I don't really know how healing works for me. I get hurt and eventually it goes away. I'm kinda used to it.

Naesala is really good. I think he won, but that's okay. I'm pretty awesome but I've never fought someone like that. He said I was pretty smart because I ran to the wall so he couldn't sneak up behind me. I don't need to do that with Aya, but he's sneaky when he's a bird.

Flying was the best! I love flying, I want to do it again. Do you like flying around too? I bet you do, because birds do it all the time.

Hmm. I don't think Lea likes your name, I think he frowned about it. I know why, sort of, because it's like mine and he doesn't like anything to do with the Organization anymore. Even so, I'd rather be called Roxas instead of Sora. I mean, Sora's here. I'm really not him. Xemnas is the one who named me.

Ikki's suggestions didn't end up working. Lea and I had a long talk though. A really long one. I hope it's better now. I don't like it when he keeps me in the dark all the time. He said he wants me to be happy and forget about everything. I can't do that though. It's really complicated. I don't really want to write it all out. Gives me a headache.

I'll learn to talk to you! It would be really cool!

I can try anyway. Sometimes I can't remember things. It can be really hard for me, I guess. People point it out a lot here which is okay, I guess, but it doesn't really help. I'm not stupid though. My head just doesn't work right, I think.

I don't know what Leanne likes, but I do keep sunflower seeds for you sometimes. When I remember, in case I see you. It's okay if you don't remember my questions, I don't remember them either.

I like Sanji. He's really nice and he made me sea salt ice cream. I don't do much kicking, I like using my keyblades. One day I was able to summon two and I mostly do now all the time. I don't know how I know how to do it, I just do. Sora, probably.

I think Kairi said she wanted to meet you, so maybe I'll bring her to do that. I'll see if she can sometime. I don't know her that well really, but she's nice and Sora really likes her. She was his friend when he was little.

Yeah, I got the tattoo. I wanted another one at the time, but I didn't get it because Thatch said no. Lea asked him not to and I guess he wanted to respect that.

I promise I'll come find you. I don't know how to make a fort, but I can hide you on my hammock if you want. I have a bird doll on there and a blanket. Usually I stay with Lea anyway, even when he elbows me in my sleep.
heartismyown: (Slowly Disappearing)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-04-16 05:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Hey Xifer!
I like getting letters from you, it's really cool. Wait, you mean I can just keep asking him questions back? I never thought of that. I might try it. I know he's trying to teach me something but I don't really get it.

Naesala said something about how people don't usually think of that, but he was getting behind me and I don't like that. That's my trick! Naesala won, but I beat Selphie and Aya is always teaching me things when we fight. He fixed my form a little bit. I have two keyblades so sometimes I have openings when I get tangled. It doesn't bother me, because I'm fast, but Aya is fast too, so he was showing me how to avoid that. It worked too!

Flying is awesome. Skateboarding is my favourite thing to do. I haven't been doing it very long. It's kind of complicated how I know how to do it. I'm not sure I understand it myself...and I don't know why DiZ gave that skill to me, but it's really fun. I'm pretty sure it was DiZ. I don't like him though. He wouldn't even fight me fair either. I'll go flying with you anytime you want!
Yeah, I know, you're not heartless like me. I know you're not a Nobody. I thought it would be nice if you had a name like mine. Lea doesn't have one anymore. Lea's not like me anymore, he got his heart back. I don't think it would work that way for me though.

Xemnas is my enemy. I'm not entirely sure why though. He was number I and he was in charge of Organization XIII. I don't know if he named anyone else, but he named me. He said...I think he said he would give me a purpose. There were other things, but I don't remember a lot from back then. I feel like I'm forgetting something about him, something important. I get that feeling somtimes. No matter what I do, I can't remember it and it makes my head hurt. One time I was crying. I don't know what that's about though. If Xemnas found me now, I'd be in a lot of trouble. I don't know if I can beat him in a fight, but I'd do my best. They sent Axel for me, but I won.

I don't care if I get sad. I'm okay with it. Normal people aren't happy all the time, why do I have to be? I get sad sometimes anyway. I don't want to be protected. I'm strong you know. I hate it when Lea hides things from me. If he didn't do that, we wouldn't fight. He does it all the time because he says it's not nice. It's important though. I'm hoping we'll be okay now though.

I hope no one has a memory like mine. Mine's pretty broken. I'm not sure why it is like that. See when Lea was Axel, he remembered everything about being Lea. He remembered all the stuff he learned, the things he knew about...everything I guess. When I came to be me I didn't have anything up there. Axel said I was like a zombie. I didn't talk, know anything or remember being Sora at all. Xemnas asked me once, but I didn't know who Sora was. There's times in my memory that I know I'm forgetting. Days I can't remember. I don't know why. Little myseries like where my seashell collection came from. I didn't get them, it was when I was sleeping. When I woke up, I had them. Then when I left the Organization because I was fighting with Axel I'm missing some time...I mean, it went from daytime to night and I don't know what happened, but I was trying to find Sora to learn some things and Xemnas to fight him, but I met Riku instead. I was winning but he changed and won instead and when I woke up I didn't remember anything. All my memories were gone again, instead I remembered...friends that don't really exist. It's a computer program. Think of it kind of like a prison. They put me somewhere I couldn't get out and made me think I didn't want to leave. Naminé and my memories helped me figure it out, but it was far too late. I got my memories back just before I came here but I think some of them are all mixed up.

It makes even less sense when I read it. I could be forgetting something though.

Okay! I'll hide your seeds really really well. You won't find them.

I wanted to get a VIII. That was Axel's number. Lea doesn't like anything to do with the Organization, or Axel and I guess I get that a little bit now, but I liked Axel. He's important to me and I forgot him before. I don't want to forget Axel or Lea again. It would be too sad. I couldn't believe it when Naminé told me he was my best friend. Remembering him in the end it was too late again. Maybe if I had a tattoo like that, it would remind me. My number was XIII. That's not really as important or anything. I defected after all.

I never had a fort but we did have a secret place in the program. Hayner, Pence and Olette. Those are the names of my friends. They were the kids I saw around town when I was watching from the clock tower. I met them for real once. They were fun to play with. I met them on my day off. It was the only one I had and it was interesting. Apart from that though, I wasn't really supposed to interfere with heart people. They'd seen me before. I guess I'm not that good at hiding.

Lea probably elbows me more than I notice, but sometimes I sleep pretty deeply. It's a little scary when that happens. If I ever fall asleep for days again, you should come and sleep with me. Maybe if you kick me, I'll wake up.

heartismyown: (Sora & Roxas)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-04-19 07:22 am (UTC)(link)
Hi Xifer,

I guess you probably heard I got really mad at Marco. I didn't mean to. Sometimes when I get mad I don't know what to do. I just, I don't know, explode. I said I was sorry though. Hopefully he'll forgive me.

I don't want people to hold back, but I kind of held back against Selphie. I just used one sword. I won, but she did really well. I wouldn't want anyone to hold back against me though. I'm strong, I can take it. If I can't, then I'm not strong enough yet. So far though, I do okay.

Yeah, I'll try and explain it a little. I should back up a lot. A Heartless is a creature or a being of some kind that doesn't have a heart. Most of the Hearless are like creatures. There were thirteen Nobodies. So a Nobody is someone who's a Heartless, but looks like a person. So when someone strong loses their heart, that's when they come out of it a Nobody. At least, I think there were only thirteen.

This kind of goes to your question about my memory too. No amount of memory is going to make me a Somebody. For me to be a Somebody, I'd have to get my heart back...only that can't ever happen. I don't get it all myself. It has something to do with Naminé. See, when Lea was Axel, who was his Nobody, he knew his whole life before. He looked the same, and now that he's back he remembers everything. Before losing his heart, afterwards and when he came back. I'm not entirely sure what happened with me. Not really. But my Somebody is Sora. He's whole again, because he's from the future to where I'm from. Which means what's left of me, if anything, is locked inside of him. If I get my heart back, there is no more Roxas. Just Sora.

I don't really know DiZ. He's the one that locked me in the computer prison. It's like I was somewhere I knew, Twilight Town. Only it was fake. Everything was fake. My friends, my memories, the sunlight...all of it, and I didn't know it. None of the people I knew there were real. Naminé said they had to keep me there. They took my memories so I wouldn't leave. She's the one who told me I had to go back to Sora. I was about to, but I came here instead.

It's not really that creative, I don't think. All Xemnas did was take 'Sora' and add an 'x'. Roxas. Just like someone did for Lea. Axel. I know you're not a Heartless though. I guess I just didn't want to be the only one with a name like that.

Xemnas isn't the only one I have to worry about. Any of the Organization members, at least the ones that came back from Castle Oblivion, are looking for me.

I think me and Lea worked it out. I'm glad about that.

As for my memories, it's not scary. Mostly, it's confusing. I don't like feeling like I'm forgetting things and it's hard to learn new things sometimes. I don't know why this is happening to me, which is a little confusing.

It's sad, but the past is all I have. I don't get a future. I don't think Sora even knows me. At least, he didn't, until I came here. He knows about me, in that I existed, but I don't think he knows anything else. I just...stopped existing. I know Lea would be mad any way. He told Thatch no numbers for me. I just don't want to forget him. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.

I like remembering the good things. Most of our time together was good. We're really glad we can be together again here for now at least. We can work it out somehow.

Last time I fell asleep like that, it was for twenty-one days. It was in my journal at the castle. It's a long time to sleep. I don't know what happened, I just...fainted and didn't get up. I think Lea would worry. He wasn't at the castle then, he was gone to Castle Oblivion and I thought he was dead.

Okay Xifer. I'll look for you. If you're not here, it's okay. If you are, you can meet my chick.

heartismyown: (Chillin')


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-04-30 07:35 am (UTC)(link)
Hi Xifer, sorry I made you wait so long, but I had chores and things to do.

I'm writing this letter while everyone's gone to the ball thing. There's a party here, it's really interesting to watch you know? Namur fed me raw fish. Isn't that weird? But you know what, it was pretty good! How weird is that? I have to tell Lea about it too.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a name for my chick. I told Lea I wouldn't give it an 'X' name because of everything, even though I told him I'd call it Axel when he was being mean to her. It doesn't suit her though. I don't really know a lot of girl names. I'm sure I can come up with something, somehow.

Maybe it's stupid to want someone to have a name like mine, but...Lea's not like me anymore. I don't know if anyone is, I didn't ask. But he got his heart back somehow and I think that might be the case. Although I guess I'm not there either. I just confused myself. Forget I said any of that.

You know this place is really great and I'm happy here. Well, happier then before anyway. I was okay in the prison Twilight Town but it was all fake. Everything and I thought things seemed weird when I was there. Because it all was weird. Sometimes I think this might be a dream too, and sometimes I worry that things might- no. I don't want to talk about that. I can't talk about what Lea and I talked about. Sorry Xifer.

It's okay if he doesn't listen to me. Most people didn't. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. They might have just been used to not listening to me by the time I could really start to ask annoying questions. Lea hates them sometimes, but he still does his best to answer them.

I love Lea. I can't bear to think about losing him again, even though I know I will. I'm afraid of it but I also know it will happen when I go back. This, this is our chance. This is our next life, just like we promised. I know Sora wants me to have a future too. He's a good guy. I just don't know how he can make that happen and I can't hope for it. It hurts to know that Lea is going to suffer more because of me. It isn't fair to him either. He'd rather spend time with me and more things. I don't know. It's hard to explain, I guess.

Until I came here, I didn't really know any heart-people. I just had Lea and even then, we were fighting to the end. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean we get along all the time, but we get along better now. Sometimes I can't tell how he's feeling, or if he's joking with me. I have to work on that. I'm pretty bad at seeing other people's feelings. I'm not sure what was going on with Kairi either when I saw her at the beach but she seemed sad maybe? I guess it makes sense because sometimes I don't even know how I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling anything when I shouldn't. That's the biggest puzzle, just something I haven't tried to figure out at this point because it's just how it is.

Are you sure I don't ask about stupid things? I think you're the only person who thinks that Xifer. A lot of people think I should know everything. I met someone today who couldn't believe that I hadn't really gone to a real party before. He also didn't believe I'm as young as I am. I get it though, it's really complicated. Sometimes I feel like I should be older, but that's not how it works at all. I think I ask less questions now about the ship or working with Lea in the galley. I can't remember everything at once, but it seems like I get it after a bit. Mostly, I think I know what I'm doing now. It's not different from working at home, I learned what to do there and I did it.

I'm glad you think I don't have to try hard, but I really really do. If I didn't try to remember things, I might be in worse shape then I am now. I know that isn't really a normal case though. I like hugs and anytime you want one too I'll give you one, promise. I didn't do that at home either.

I really like flying with you Xifer, and your tricks are really great. I know I didn't get to this in time for that, but I had a lot of fun at the faire with you. All the food there was really delicious. I'm going to have to come up with some really great skateboard tricks to show you. I've been thinking about it.

I flew at home a couple of times. There's a world there with a fairy and I had a mission. She sprinkled dust on me and I started to fly around. Axel went with me too, later. It was really awesome and fun.

I can't remember if I told you this before or not but, you know I'm not a good guy right? In my world, the things I've done and everything that has been my whole life is bad. I think I told Selphie that once and she told me not to believe it. It's not as easy as that though, I played a huge part in making Kingdom Hearts. The biggest, most important part even. Without me and my keyblade, Kingdom Hearts wouldn't be realized at all. I'm not sure if it ever got finished after I left and I'm not sure what anyone can do with it but sometimes I feel really bad for all the hearts I took. I don't even know if I would have gotten my own heart. I don't think so. I think I was probably lied to. I wouldn't be surprised. Sometimes when I see how upset Lea is about everything because he has a heart now, I can't help but think it is worse then I realize. There's a lot of things I don't know, probably, and I might have done a lot more damage to the world then I thought.

It might seem weird to think I'm the bad one, huh? I don't feel like I'm bad exactly, just everything I've done so far has been. I guess if you're looking for the heroes, you need to seek out Sora and Riku.

I don't know why I was thinking about that tonight. Sometimes I think about the strangest things when I'm alone with my thoughts, just watching people do things.

Visit me again soon. I'll take care of the fort for you.

heartismyown: (Hmmmm)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-05-13 02:03 am (UTC)(link)

Should I call you Marco?

I'm very mad at you right now, but Lea and I have to leave.

I am going to yell at you on the journal later. Promise.

heartismyown: (I'm ready)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-06-21 10:20 am (UTC)(link)
Dear Marco,

I don't know where to begin. Lea told me some things and when I think about them they make me shake. I'm not scared. I'm really, really, really mad. I've never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life. It's like being really mad and really sad at the same time.

Lea is right. I should never have called you Xifer. It's just that I wanted you to have a name like mine, only I didn't really understand what that meant. Now I know what that means, that stupid 'x' in my name. Lea should have told me.

Our discussion made me remember some things, feelings you know, memories that are kinda hazy but he doesn't know what to make of them.

[His writing is a little uneven, because he's shaking from the anger.]

I don't even know how to explain it. I think I just...I don't know. Everyone might be at risk around me. They're going to come for me. They know where I am. This name of mine, the number, all of this that I carry with me, just allows him to track me. I had no idea. I'm so stupid sometimes. I never even thought something like this was possible. It shouldn't be possible, but I guess you can't name something with a heart.

Lea says I'm a terrible candidate and I guess they were going to get rid of me anyway. It's all complicated and I can't write it in a letter. I guess mostly it's just that they are coming for me.

There's more, I just can't put it into words right now. I'll try later.

- Roxas
I don't even know what to write anymore.
heartismyown: (Hmmmm)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-06-22 09:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Okay. I'm calming down a bit. I can try and explain.

It is kind of really complicated. So yeah. Let me try.

The guy in charge, Xemnas, he's the one that named me Roxas. The 'x' in my name is a mark. He can track me anywhere, that's how I know he's coming. I never thought about it before. They always knew what I was doing, I mean...every mission was really controlled. Anywhere I wasn't supposed to go they had blocked off.

There's a lot of reasons for him to be mad at me. I quit the Organization, for starters. That is, well, people don't do that. I don't think anyone else did. I know some where eliminated, but I don't really know much more then that. They went to Castle Oblivion and Axel was the only one to come back. But, if he's really tracking me even now, didn't I just lead him to Sora?

Lea also said I wasn't good for him. He couldn't use me. He wanted to put a piece of Xehanort's heart inside me and take over my body, pushing me out, I guess? Some kind of magic like that.

I'm not really supposed to interact with heart-people. I mean, I'm supposed to stay in The World That Never Was. Or after that, I guess, the fake Twilight Town. When he finds me, I think he might hurt people just to hurt me. Although really, he's done enough to hurt me, that's why I am so angry. I wish he knew what it was like. Somehow while I was there, I think he was doing something to me. I'm not sure exactly all of I said my brain is really foggy. I seem to remember days where I was so tired I could barely summon my keyblade. I was having a hard time remembering things. I think he did something to me.

I don't really want another name. I just want it not to mean bad things. I have another name, I guess, and that's Sora. I don't feel like Sora though, I don't think so. So it's too weird to say hey, I'm Sora now. I think Lea prefers Lea, but I can't ever understand what he means. I just don't feel like I should be called Sora.

I'm not sure anything would help. He's already marked me, hasn't he?

Lea and I started talking about this because of his tattoo and because he doesn't want me to get anything to symbolize him. He doesn't want me marked anymore. I guess I get it but I thought it was different.

I'm not worried about me so much, but it might be really hard to protect everyone. I don't want anyone else to get hurt. He's really really mean. He's powerful, I think, but I don't know that much about his power. Doesn't matter though, I would make him pay. Lea has promised to destroy him too. He said the best thing he can do is make Xemnas' plans not work. I don't really understand how that helps but he says it will. I'd rather hit him with my keyblades until he asks me to stop and then not stop. I really want to make him feel like I do, but I don't know how to do that. He really is Heartless.

I don't mind your nicknames. You have lots for me. It's a bit weird, but I like it. I kind of like my name, you know? I mean, it means I'm not Sora. If I just join him and give up then what? Wouldn't I just disappear? I mean, I don't understand how we are really the same. I know we are but at the same time I don't know. Know what I mean? Probably not. Hmm.

He might not be here yet, but I know if he can find me he will come after me. I am sure of it. I don't think he's the kind of guy who would let a traitor get away.

heartismyown: (So confused...)


[personal profile] heartismyown 2014-06-27 01:34 am (UTC)(link)
That's not really true. Lea is a lot more emotional now, but I think he got more emotional just like I did. Even if I do or don't have a heart which I guess we can't check, but, something about me makes me not suitable for what he wants. Whatever it is. When I last saw Axel he was just as angry and screaming as I was.

I don't know if I can think of more nicknames though. I'll try really hard okay?

Well I understand and I guess I did join, but it's not really...I don't think the way I was, I could make a decision. I mean it was just he walks up to me and he gives me his word that he'll give me a purpose and answers and then named ma and that was it. I mean, I didn't say anything because I couldn't even talk back then. It's not really fair and then yeah I went to leave. There was nowhere to go though. I remember I didn't know where to go and then....I'm missing some time in there. And Riku found me and you know how that ended. Leaving the Organization doesn't mean I'll be accepted anywhere else. Riku didn't see me. He only saw Sora. He knew what to say to bring Sora out of me. That happens sometimes you know. He'll talk through me. Or should I say I'll? I don't know. I'm confused.

I guess I understand why I can't be part of the crew. Does that mean I have to get my tattoo changed like Lea is doing?

I'm not worried about his power. I just think that if I'm the only one here and I fight him because I will, he'll make my friends suffer for it. I don't think he cares much for heart-people anyway.

I gave it some thought. I think it's both. I'm very angry that I've been marked this way and I can't get rid of it. Even joining Sora is a bad idea because then they'll find him. I'm mad that he- [There's a scribble here] I guess I always knew he considered me a tool, but not just a tool. It's like being myself didn't matter, he's going to take it away from me. I'm mad because I think he knew everything that was happening to me and I'm remembering some things, some weird feelings and I am wondering if he was involved. I think he might have been and I'm mad about that too. I don't understand what I did to deserve any of this. I don't get it! I did everything they told me to until the end and I think he was messing around with me before then. He might have been, since I think he knew the witch Namine.

I am really confused about a lot of this and this letter probably makes no sense at all. Sorry.