heartismyown: (Chillin')
Roxas ([personal profile] heartismyown) wrote in [personal profile] fierybluebird 2014-04-30 07:35 am (UTC)

4/26/2014

Hi Xifer, sorry I made you wait so long, but I had chores and things to do.

I'm writing this letter while everyone's gone to the ball thing. There's a party here, it's really interesting to watch you know? Namur fed me raw fish. Isn't that weird? But you know what, it was pretty good! How weird is that? I have to tell Lea about it too.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a name for my chick. I told Lea I wouldn't give it an 'X' name because of everything, even though I told him I'd call it Axel when he was being mean to her. It doesn't suit her though. I don't really know a lot of girl names. I'm sure I can come up with something, somehow.

Maybe it's stupid to want someone to have a name like mine, but...Lea's not like me anymore. I don't know if anyone is, I didn't ask. But he got his heart back somehow and I think that might be the case. Although I guess I'm not there either. I just confused myself. Forget I said any of that.

You know this place is really great and I'm happy here. Well, happier then before anyway. I was okay in the prison Twilight Town but it was all fake. Everything and I thought things seemed weird when I was there. Because it all was weird. Sometimes I think this might be a dream too, and sometimes I worry that things might- no. I don't want to talk about that. I can't talk about what Lea and I talked about. Sorry Xifer.

It's okay if he doesn't listen to me. Most people didn't. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. They might have just been used to not listening to me by the time I could really start to ask annoying questions. Lea hates them sometimes, but he still does his best to answer them.

I love Lea. I can't bear to think about losing him again, even though I know I will. I'm afraid of it but I also know it will happen when I go back. This, this is our chance. This is our next life, just like we promised. I know Sora wants me to have a future too. He's a good guy. I just don't know how he can make that happen and I can't hope for it. It hurts to know that Lea is going to suffer more because of me. It isn't fair to him either. He'd rather spend time with me and just...do more things. I don't know. It's hard to explain, I guess.

Until I came here, I didn't really know any heart-people. I just had Lea and even then, we were fighting to the end. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean we get along all the time, but we get along better now. Sometimes I can't tell how he's feeling, or if he's joking with me. I have to work on that. I'm pretty bad at seeing other people's feelings. I'm not sure what was going on with Kairi either when I saw her at the beach but she seemed sad maybe? I guess it makes sense because sometimes I don't even know how I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling anything when I shouldn't. That's the biggest puzzle, just something I haven't tried to figure out at this point because it's just how it is.

Are you sure I don't ask about stupid things? I think you're the only person who thinks that Xifer. A lot of people think I should know everything. I met someone today who couldn't believe that I hadn't really gone to a real party before. He also didn't believe I'm as young as I am. I get it though, it's really complicated. Sometimes I feel like I should be older, but that's not how it works at all. I think I ask less questions now about the ship or working with Lea in the galley. I can't remember everything at once, but it seems like I get it after a bit. Mostly, I think I know what I'm doing now. It's not different from working at home, I learned what to do there and I did it.

I'm glad you think I don't have to try hard, but I really really do. If I didn't try to remember things, I might be in worse shape then I am now. I know that isn't really a normal case though. I like hugs and anytime you want one too I'll give you one, promise. I didn't do that at home either.

I really like flying with you Xifer, and your tricks are really great. I know I didn't get to this in time for that, but I had a lot of fun at the faire with you. All the food there was really delicious. I'm going to have to come up with some really great skateboard tricks to show you. I've been thinking about it.

I flew at home a couple of times. There's a world there with a fairy and I had a mission. She sprinkled dust on me and I started to fly around. Axel went with me too, later. It was really awesome and fun.

I can't remember if I told you this before or not but, you know I'm not a good guy right? In my world, the things I've done and everything that has been my whole life is bad. I think I told Selphie that once and she told me not to believe it. It's not as easy as that though, I played a huge part in making Kingdom Hearts. The biggest, most important part even. Without me and my keyblade, Kingdom Hearts wouldn't be realized at all. I'm not sure if it ever got finished after I left and I'm not sure what anyone can do with it but sometimes I feel really bad for all the hearts I took. I don't even know if I would have gotten my own heart. I don't think so. I think I was probably lied to. I wouldn't be surprised. Sometimes when I see how upset Lea is about everything because he has a heart now, I can't help but think it is worse then I realize. There's a lot of things I don't know, probably, and I might have done a lot more damage to the world then I thought.

It might seem weird to think I'm the bad one, huh? I don't feel like I'm bad exactly, just everything I've done so far has been. I guess if you're looking for the heroes, you need to seek out Sora and Riku.

I don't know why I was thinking about that tonight. Sometimes I think about the strangest things when I'm alone with my thoughts, just watching people do things.

Visit me again soon. I'll take care of the fort for you.

-Roxas

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