fierybluebird | [Appointment Post / Voicemail]

Marco... [Disappointed frown. He knows this method exactly, actually. Trying to disarm the argument, backing away, making excuses...

He leans closer to Marco again.]

This is self harm. [He knows self harm. He's... heading towards a city for that right now. But this... was Marco. He could see it, so he should stop it, right?]

Jealousy is not something that can be erased so easily. It is just voicing it that can be done away with. But why invoke it purposely? [He knows exactly why, but he's trying to get Marco to realize this is not... good...]

[Starts flushing and having trouble just breathing.]

I'm not --

[Shakes his head and trembles slightly.] Ah... he... [Clicks teeth shut. Okay Japan was right, but if he didn't talk at all then it'd be fine. Or something. That is his thinking.]

[Brings a hand to the side of his face. WOW CREEPER no actually he's just like DON'T SHAKE D: but wow...]

Being so close to Ace-kun... You cannot do this. [He looks really sad all of a sudden]

Harming yourself in order to feel. Is it because there is no return of these feelings on the level you would like?

D-don't...

[Glances down and keeps his eyes on the ground, bringing a hand to Kiku's hand and moving it down to hold onto it. And his voice is a little shaky for once.]

It's not like that. I know... [Closes his eyes and just holds a breath softly before steadying it some more.] He is who he is Bushido. Always a wildfire and I wouldn't change that. For the world. Gakupo... [Just glances away again, shutting down words once more.]

You would not change it, yet it hurts, doesn't it? So is that true acceptance?

[He watches Marco for a moment longer before finally looking down himself]

I have tried to avoid opinion in such a matter... But Marco should not limit himself in such a way. [he's quiet though... limit himself like. only ace. ace who was a wildfire, right? ace who... was dead, right? those things did matter. he didn't want to say that, though. he just wanted marco to realize he was setting himself up for sadness with this... setting people up thing!]

[Tugs Japan down for a quick surprise kiss.]

I am not. That is why. Because I still love him too much that I can never be happy if he is not as much as I can help. Because I'd rather see Ace with a relative stranger than your female half. Because I asked Gakupo to intercede with you and changed my mind, but I have too much follow-through and since Sakura likes Gakupo I want to see them happy together and Ace and Luka together busies them with each other in a more neat and tidy way.

[Long blue-eyed gaze. There's more. A lot more. It's not even the tip of the iceberg but no other words seem to be forthcoming unless poked. Still, he hasn't started kidding around again yet, so it's probably a very rare opportunity to take advantage of quickly.]

[That kiss surprises him indeed, but not enough for a loud reaction. But he stares. All of these... ...]

Marco is so busy making everyone happy... [Japan searches him. There's so much he's not saying, right? He wants to know, but how's he supposed to ask?]

But I would like to see him happy.

[Stills. He doesn't know what to say to that. That he's always happy? That his happiness comes second? He just pulls Japan into a tight hug.]

Mn.

...

[Marco might notice Japan shaking a bit. He's... incredibly nervous for some reason, and sad on top of that. For Marco's sake. Yes he's gay shut up. But...]

The answer to that question... [What question? It was a long time ago... Would Marco remember? He's not sure. Trying to be blunt is difficult.] I realize now that it's "yes."

I'm happy. It's still a struggle. I want to smother him in affection but for his sake I must not. Perhaps for my own. I cannot... [Closes his eyes and wants to run away, to get up and walk off or curl up into a bird and not talk. Instead he pulls back from the hug slightly and breathes.] I cannot give him all he needs. I know this, though I wish it was otherwise. If he... if he... [Words seem stuck again.]

[It seemed like Marco missed what he was saying... But that was easy to do. Maybe he should be more direct...

But not yet.]

If he what?

Nn... [Leans his head against Japan.] Nothing. Foolish worry, eh?

...I do not believe that.

[He just-- this was strange. He had tried so long to help Seifer. He never helped him in the way he wanted to. Seifer always said he did, but... He didn't feel like it. It was sad. Is that what this was like?

Now he was trying to help Marco. Marco who had done so much to help him, and calmed him down, and was with him on this trip right now... Was he useless here, too? His pride didn't want to accept that so easily.]

Forgive me...

[For being so weak? Or so... ...He didn't know. But. He shifted and moved a hand to Marco's face, kissing him.]

Edited 2011-08-03 07:59 (UTC)

[Kisses back without opening his eyes. It was easy to joke, to act, to pretend like his own feelings didn't exist, always covered up in sheets of lies of indifference. But of course he still had them. Cried at losing Ace and Whitebeard, even with the whole of Marineford watching. He was focused on helping Ace figure out what Ace wanted, but Marco already knew what he himself wanted. And how to get it.]

No. [Kisses back harder, so much more insistently, and pins Japan against something without even looking.] Don't apologize for things I want. No regrets. [Pulls back momentarily and looks Japan over.] I need him to figure out what he really wants and know it for sure. [Nibbles on Japan's throat with small nips and bites, a hand threatening to undo the collar if not stopped. The word flow appears jammed again however.]

[What he wants... Well that sort of answered one question. Maybe. There wasn't any sign of surprise as he was pinned. It was there, but there were more important things on his face, of course. Like worry...

What Ace really wants. It still feels like so much isn't being said...]

Nn-- [His only reaction to the nibbling is a shy sort of shift in his position. It's sensitive there-- but while he doesn't move to stop Marco in any way, he doesn't seem willing to let it completely distract him, either.]

Won't he discover that on his own? Ah, sending more things in his direction... [He's trying to think of the reason. No, more like, the words... He thinks he knows what it is, but he doesn't know the solution, so how does that help?]

[Pulls back slightly glancing away again.] They'd run into each other eventually, this is just incentive to speed it up.

If he doesn't know all his options, he can't make a choice. I'm not trying to force his hand. He joked about me dating Kaito, it's like that.

[Only more painful? He was still jealous. The entire conversation with Luka had been him trying to ward off his own jealousy. Ignore it, crush it so it no longer existed. Could Japan tell?]

[He stared at Marco for a moment. He could tell. It was more like, he knew, and yet he couldn't put a finger on it. He was the same way as Marco in this... It's like the blind leading the blind here. Or something.

He frowns.]

But for Ace-kun, joking about such a thing does not hurt quite so much, does it?

Yeah. Probably not. [Switches an arm into a wing reflexively wanting to curl up under them, but he promised not to so instead he extensive over Kiku's frame protectively.]

But I have to be that strong too, eh? [Not really looking at anything anymore.]

...

[He looks down.]

You are strong. ... I am not so sure how to stop Marco from testing things in this way. But, perhaps selfishly, I would like to see him happy. [Looking to the side and still down, now...]

So would that be with Ace-kun?

[Tugs Japan closer, blushing.]

That'd be with you. If you can still stand my faults. I'm not going to completely abandon Ace, but he's never wanted just me.

[Again it seems like a million more things to say, but that's all he's been able to get out.]

[Oh... He blushes at that, but then moves his arms around Marco in a hug so he's not just sitting there like a lump.]

So if Ace-kun's opinion changed, would Marco's...? [He pauses briefly. No he shouldn't... ask that sort of thing.]

Ah, Marco... I realize I am not much help, but perhaps I could at least be an ear to your thoughts. ...If you are able to speak all of them, that is.

Mine would not. [Switches a little more into phoenix, though not all gone yet.]

I am not a wildfire like Ace. I can't burn like him, and I'm not so... temperamental, eh? I admire it, but it's not something I can do.

Even if I asked Ace to marry me, there would reach a point of something even I can't fight. Even if I can force the scientists or this planet to keep him here for a long and happy life, that's still...

[But he's gone at that point, curling up as a phoenix in Japan's lap.]

...Marco...

[That phoenix thing again... He's fine with Marco changing into a phoenix, but at moments like this, isn't that just...]

You are hiding. [He still places a hand on him, though, petting. Could he be soothing in any way?]

[Mumbles a chirp and snuggles deeper against Kiku's chest, covering his head with a wing, but leaning into the petting. It's very soothing. Not hiding. He shakes his head and chirps again, even though it's obviously hiding.]

[He keeps petting, but his frown deepens a bit. Why do you bother lying, Marco. He can tell it's hiding. Isn't it obvious when you're left to feel alone... If he were speaking with Marco and suddenly hid under a blanket, it would be the same thing.]

...No? [You don't think it is, Marco? He said that very quietly though, just thinking.]

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