fierybluebird | [Appointment Post / Voicemail]

[That kiss surprises him indeed, but not enough for a loud reaction. But he stares. All of these... ...]

Marco is so busy making everyone happy... [Japan searches him. There's so much he's not saying, right? He wants to know, but how's he supposed to ask?]

But I would like to see him happy.

[Stills. He doesn't know what to say to that. That he's always happy? That his happiness comes second? He just pulls Japan into a tight hug.]

Mn.

...

[Marco might notice Japan shaking a bit. He's... incredibly nervous for some reason, and sad on top of that. For Marco's sake. Yes he's gay shut up. But...]

The answer to that question... [What question? It was a long time ago... Would Marco remember? He's not sure. Trying to be blunt is difficult.] I realize now that it's "yes."

I'm happy. It's still a struggle. I want to smother him in affection but for his sake I must not. Perhaps for my own. I cannot... [Closes his eyes and wants to run away, to get up and walk off or curl up into a bird and not talk. Instead he pulls back from the hug slightly and breathes.] I cannot give him all he needs. I know this, though I wish it was otherwise. If he... if he... [Words seem stuck again.]

[It seemed like Marco missed what he was saying... But that was easy to do. Maybe he should be more direct...

But not yet.]

If he what?

Nn... [Leans his head against Japan.] Nothing. Foolish worry, eh?

...I do not believe that.

[He just-- this was strange. He had tried so long to help Seifer. He never helped him in the way he wanted to. Seifer always said he did, but... He didn't feel like it. It was sad. Is that what this was like?

Now he was trying to help Marco. Marco who had done so much to help him, and calmed him down, and was with him on this trip right now... Was he useless here, too? His pride didn't want to accept that so easily.]

Forgive me...

[For being so weak? Or so... ...He didn't know. But. He shifted and moved a hand to Marco's face, kissing him.]

Edited 2011-08-03 07:59 (UTC)

[Kisses back without opening his eyes. It was easy to joke, to act, to pretend like his own feelings didn't exist, always covered up in sheets of lies of indifference. But of course he still had them. Cried at losing Ace and Whitebeard, even with the whole of Marineford watching. He was focused on helping Ace figure out what Ace wanted, but Marco already knew what he himself wanted. And how to get it.]

No. [Kisses back harder, so much more insistently, and pins Japan against something without even looking.] Don't apologize for things I want. No regrets. [Pulls back momentarily and looks Japan over.] I need him to figure out what he really wants and know it for sure. [Nibbles on Japan's throat with small nips and bites, a hand threatening to undo the collar if not stopped. The word flow appears jammed again however.]

[What he wants... Well that sort of answered one question. Maybe. There wasn't any sign of surprise as he was pinned. It was there, but there were more important things on his face, of course. Like worry...

What Ace really wants. It still feels like so much isn't being said...]

Nn-- [His only reaction to the nibbling is a shy sort of shift in his position. It's sensitive there-- but while he doesn't move to stop Marco in any way, he doesn't seem willing to let it completely distract him, either.]

Won't he discover that on his own? Ah, sending more things in his direction... [He's trying to think of the reason. No, more like, the words... He thinks he knows what it is, but he doesn't know the solution, so how does that help?]

[Pulls back slightly glancing away again.] They'd run into each other eventually, this is just incentive to speed it up.

If he doesn't know all his options, he can't make a choice. I'm not trying to force his hand. He joked about me dating Kaito, it's like that.

[Only more painful? He was still jealous. The entire conversation with Luka had been him trying to ward off his own jealousy. Ignore it, crush it so it no longer existed. Could Japan tell?]

[He stared at Marco for a moment. He could tell. It was more like, he knew, and yet he couldn't put a finger on it. He was the same way as Marco in this... It's like the blind leading the blind here. Or something.

He frowns.]

But for Ace-kun, joking about such a thing does not hurt quite so much, does it?

Yeah. Probably not. [Switches an arm into a wing reflexively wanting to curl up under them, but he promised not to so instead he extensive over Kiku's frame protectively.]

But I have to be that strong too, eh? [Not really looking at anything anymore.]

...

[He looks down.]

You are strong. ... I am not so sure how to stop Marco from testing things in this way. But, perhaps selfishly, I would like to see him happy. [Looking to the side and still down, now...]

So would that be with Ace-kun?

[Tugs Japan closer, blushing.]

That'd be with you. If you can still stand my faults. I'm not going to completely abandon Ace, but he's never wanted just me.

[Again it seems like a million more things to say, but that's all he's been able to get out.]

[Oh... He blushes at that, but then moves his arms around Marco in a hug so he's not just sitting there like a lump.]

So if Ace-kun's opinion changed, would Marco's...? [He pauses briefly. No he shouldn't... ask that sort of thing.]

Ah, Marco... I realize I am not much help, but perhaps I could at least be an ear to your thoughts. ...If you are able to speak all of them, that is.

Mine would not. [Switches a little more into phoenix, though not all gone yet.]

I am not a wildfire like Ace. I can't burn like him, and I'm not so... temperamental, eh? I admire it, but it's not something I can do.

Even if I asked Ace to marry me, there would reach a point of something even I can't fight. Even if I can force the scientists or this planet to keep him here for a long and happy life, that's still...

[But he's gone at that point, curling up as a phoenix in Japan's lap.]

...Marco...

[That phoenix thing again... He's fine with Marco changing into a phoenix, but at moments like this, isn't that just...]

You are hiding. [He still places a hand on him, though, petting. Could he be soothing in any way?]

[Mumbles a chirp and snuggles deeper against Kiku's chest, covering his head with a wing, but leaning into the petting. It's very soothing. Not hiding. He shakes his head and chirps again, even though it's obviously hiding.]

[He keeps petting, but his frown deepens a bit. Why do you bother lying, Marco. He can tell it's hiding. Isn't it obvious when you're left to feel alone... If he were speaking with Marco and suddenly hid under a blanket, it would be the same thing.]

...No? [You don't think it is, Marco? He said that very quietly though, just thinking.]

[Leans up and gives a phoenix kiss and nuzzle to the side of Japan's face.]

Cheep. [Glances away as though expecting a scolding.]

[ADORABLE... Japan thinks so too but, he's super thoughtful right now. About a lot of things.

Like what Marco's thinking gosh... ...So he's quiet for now, just giving Marco a look and then glancing away.]

[Snuggles more, a lot more comfortable like this and draws a wing up to Japan's face to tilt him back to look at Marco.]

Kreee~?

[Okay he'll look to him... Still petting though.]

Do you think there will be a point that you accept the way things are? [He means... That Ace is dead. Or maybe that he won't feel the same as Marco does... Knowing it is different than accepting right? And from that call the other day that he totally stalked, neither Ace or Marco had accepted it yet.

Which was fine. It was hard to after all... But.

Japan has no idea how to approach this at all gdklg]

[Switches back into human and topples Japan backwards, still sitting on top of him.]

I know he's dead. I was at the funeral. I watched Akainu punch him through the back while Ace tried to protect Luffy because I was stupid and got myself trapped in seastone. I went to that battle knowing there was a chance we'd fail, and came out of it the worst I'd felt in my life. I know how it is to lose the two best things you love most in the same day, powerless to stop it, powerless to change the passing of time, and scared that it'd be impossible to save the rest of the crew. I know I can't bring Ace home. I can't. I can do almost anything Bushido, but there are some things no one can.

[Leans his head against Japan's.] But so long as he's alive here, I'll protect him with my all. It doesn't make up for it, and I will still lose him again. If not to wounds, then just to time. But I still have no regrets. I love him for who he is. I joined my father even knowing he'd pass away first. That is why I call him Pops, he once told me it was a terrible thing for parents to have to watch their children die before them. And even before Marineford, he was sick and I knew I'd lose him someday. That is just how it is. But I wouldn't change them for anything. I want to see Ace's happiness here. Whether it's settling down and having kids in some other world with a girl from another planet; or conquering a whole new world. I want to be by his side. That is the way in which I love him.

[Shifts his jaw and runs a hand down Japan's face, blue eyes bright with mixed emotions.] You are different. [His adam's apple just throbs, itching to explain that, but after so much coming out, stuck all over again.]

Uwah--!

[That was a bit startling, but after the initial shock, he just listened. There was so much to think in response to that. Right, that was how he loved Ace, of course... It was still sad, though. And he didn't know how to help--

That hand and next statement though got his heart to skip a beat. He probably turns noticeably pink, but he just stares back for a moment.]

Different? [...He can't help but want to hear that too.]

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