fierybluebird | Ace and Sabo are gone // Written, Action

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Ace and Sabo are gone // Written, Action

[The first few times Marco tries to find his voice, he can't. This is what Robin, what everyone tried to warn him about isn't it? And he didn't listen. He always refused. Even if his father had been here and told him the same things, he wouldn't have listened to him either. At first he tries to seek solace in the rooftop, the memorial for his Pops, but today, not even that is enough. Where can he go other than "home?" And home is no longer CH3. It is still Luceti, scattered throughout his loved ones, but other than Leanne, that describe CH3 now.]

[He opens the journal and tries to speak, but he can't. So he winds up writing instead.]

Happy Post-Valentine's Day to anyone. I hope many happy couples found each other and no one was too disrupted.

[His hand shakes, and then clenches and the pen breaks. Too angry, so much rage. He uses the bottom half of the quill as best as he can to write more.]

My little brothers, [A long pause. He looks up at the flag and... it's not enough. Nothing is.] are both gone. Even knowing that every single day they had here was extra time, and as grateful as I am for that, they deserve more. I can't tell you they've gone to a better place, because they haven't.

[The last thing Sabo saw before his death was fire. And Ace died crying and smiling at the same time.]

But they're in good company I guess.

[Good company? He was jealous of them, still, even now. He had a huge fight with Ace about it, but he was jealous. Ace was jealous that Marco could be with the living, and Marco was jealous that Ace could be with the dead, could protect someone he loved that deeply by dying for them, something Marco never could. It was a dumb thing to be jealous about, but even knowing how infantile it was, didn't make it go away. It's a good time to go get a new pen. So Marco jumps down and goes to the item shop, finds a pen and right there, in middle of the shop, sits down on the floor and continues.]

I've lost a lot of nakama before, but Ace's affected me the worst. He brought with him a new era. He saved the man who will be the New Pirate King and renounced the world's idea of villains and heroes. [Marco sets the book and pen down so he won't break them again and it's all bit before he picks them back up.] In legends, phoenixes are supposed to herald the changing of eras, but I hate it. Mankind's eras in my world are tragically majestic things, but what use are they to an individual?

I'm not going back to the apartment for a long time. And I might move when I'm ready. I took the important things with me, but I'm not going back there.

Luceti is still my home. Make no mistake, I'll fight forever for my right to stay and the right for anyone else who wants to stay. I always will. That's who I am.

[He needs to talk to people, to try to comfort them in the wake of Ace's absence, in the wake of Sabo's, but all Marco wants to do is fly away. It's too cowardly though, so he won't. He wants to switch into phoenix form and stop feeling anything, but that's also cowardly and he know Robin's been trying to break him of the habit.]

If you think you can find me, you can try, otherwise, say the word and I'll come find you. No promises about the state I'll be in.

- Marco

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Your master? I don't think you've told me about him before.

Probably because there's nothing worth to tell. He was the man who trained me, if you call training to beat me to half death. He taught me a lot though, he taught me to let anger fill my fists when I strike, to use it as my strength rather than let it cloud my reason. He taught me to hate, to hate him, the world around me, myself... He was always "you have to hate everything, Ikki. Only then you can hope to become the phoenix".

[There's a brief pause before he adds.]

He killed Esmeralda, though that was my fault. Had I not dodged the strike wouldn't have hit her. Had I not hesitated to kill him before he wouldn't have launched that punch. And ultimately, had I not befriended her and made foolish promises to her she wouldn't have been there then.

I killed him right after she died in my arms, mad with anger, hate and pain. It didn't feel enough, neither satisfying. And then he told me about who my father was so I knew what he had done to us and how he had died already so I couldn't get any revenge back so... So I would always live with that hate and anger inside me.

[For a second it sounded as if he was going to say something else, but he doesn't. Instead he bites his own tongue and just finish the sentence nonchalantly. He doesn't explain about Esmeralda either.]

[If Marco wasn't always deadpan, he'd be showing a lot more of a reaction to that. As it is, there's still a giant sweatdrop.]

[Well, Ikki's fears when it comes to Kotomi-chan just made a lot more sense at least.]

I hate a lot of things Ikki. There are a lot of days I feel like I'm being consumed in the flames of that hate. But hating the world, hating everything is more like Blackbeard. Pops was the strongest man in the world because of his love for everyone. His family, his crew, the islands, his friends, all of that. Ace was strong because of that too.

Losing things... Losing people hurts. But it should hurt. It has to hurt, or we'll never get stronger. Each pain is like another rebirth, eh? We can't show our physical scars, so we only receive scars like that inside.

Loving someone can never be a weakness, only a strength. Losing them isn't because you didn't have enough hate, it's because you hadn't learned enough at that time. The world might have a lot of hate, but we just have to use that as our own flames to rise above it. Got it?

Also, I hate your mentor.

[And you don't even know how special and important Esmeralda was for Ikki yet, Marco. Did you think that having the heartless of Whitebeard as a father was all the shit he has on his back? Ikki chuckles at his brother's words.]

I know. That happened long ago, Marco, you don't need to worry. I have died way too many times after that, there's not a drop of blood from that time left in my body. It has been over five years since I hated the world.

[Now he only hates himself, he won't say that though, neither explain much about his deaths. Specially the first one. He doesn't want Marco despising him. Instead he laughs again.]

I bet he would be happy about that with how much he liked to be hated.

Five years isn't really that long though, eh? Especially not for us.

[Leans on Ikki's head.] He really hated himself that much too? I guess I should just pity him then, just so he can't have the satisfaction.

Five years with almost one death per year may actually count as long if you see each death as a rebirth.

[Ikki pauses at Marco's next words, he had never considered that Guilty hated himself... Or anything at all. The man made a point from the start to keep Ikki from getting attached to him, always berating him for respecting him as his master. Talking about his life would have been the opposite of what Guilty did.]

Maybe he did. I doubt Guilty was his real name and he always wore a mask, I thought it was so that I wouldn't see him as a human being, but maybe there was more to it. I don't really hate him now anyway, I actually don't feel much about him now.

[The only way Guilty stirs emotions in him is by remembering Esmeralda and her death, nothing more.]

That seems the best way to think of it.

Who was Esmerelda? [He hates the idea of poking at old wounds but it's looking to be pretty necessary, and if nothing else, Ikki can back out of the discussion if it becomes too much.]

[He sighs and shifts a bit uncomfortably before he speaks again.]

She was a slave. She was a native of Death Queen Island and was sold by her own family in exchange of three bags of flour... It was common practice there. I met her during my training, rather she found me half death after one of the training sessions and helped me. Despite being a slave and mistreated she always had a smile and was very kind and compassionate. She reminded me of my little brother, Shun, both in appearance and character.

She was the only good thing in that place, a flower born in the middle of a hell of lava and ashes. I... I wanted to save her. I wanted to take her away from there, even if that was all I could do, she would have had better chances in the world outside the island than the life she had there. But because we became friends, she worried about me and supported me, always cheering me to continue training, to grow stronger so I could leave the island and find my brother again. She probably was worried that I wouldn't be able to do so during the final test, or maybe she wanted to cheer on me. It doesn't really matter, she died because of me either way.

[Hugs.] You're looking at it wrong, mate. She didn't die because of you, she had a better life because of you. People always die except for us, but living better than they could have is a precious thing to be cherished.

Edited 2013-03-23 18:01 (UTC)

[You know it's more of a sore spot on Ikki than he lets be seen when he actually hugs back at that.]

I don't know how knowing me improved her life at all. But it's true, had I not hesitated to do what I had to do, she wouldn't have died. Guess it's a lesson I had to learn but I would have preferred that it wasn't at the cost of her life.

You can't waste regrets on thinking things could have been different if only you had done better. If Shanks wasn't a moron he wouldn't have lost his arm because he wouldn't have needed to rescue Ace's kid brother from the sea monster. But Luffy also wouldn't have respected Shanks' sacrifice so much either. As Shanks himself puts it, he bet his arm on the future.

True, it wasn't her choice to die then in that way, but blaming yourself doesn't solve anything.

Put it another way... If I hadn't run back to my father during Marineford when he started coughing up blood, I wouldn't have gotten trapped in seastone and that wouldn't have distracted Jozu into losing his arm. But I can't change that. And it was my father. [The thing he feared most, more than anything, his biggest concern and deepest fear before the battle, at the start of it, in the middle, and right to the very end even when Ace died and Blackbeard killed Whitebeard.] I can only remember that moment so if something similar ever happens again, I'll stay focused.

If Esmerelda were still alive and right here now, but could only tell you one thing before she had to go away again, what do you think she'd say?

[Ikki grunts.]

The same she told me when she had the chance. That I must never go over to where she is now, because I'm the Phoenix Saint, the Saint of Hope that keeps rising no matter what. That I must go live for my brothers and for the whole humanity, no matter how much I want to see her again, I must never give up and I must keep moving forward. Forever.

[Nothing Marco doesn't know, being a phoenix as well, but back when that happened Ikki didn't know it. He hadn't realized how much being the Phoenix Saint meant, what it implied. How it forced on him the "gift" of never been able to truly die.]

I didn't know I couldn't die back then, I thought I was going to die and join her. But she came to me, her soul didn't let me go further and she made me realize exactly what it meant to be the Phoenix Saint. That's it's more than just a mere title anyone could attain... I don't know what happened to her soul afterwards, despite crossing Hell several times after that, and even going to the Elysium, she was nowhere to be found. So I suppose that what she did, meeting me when I died to deliver that message, was something she shouldn't have done and was punished for it. Maybe by getting her soul erased or something, it fits the way the gods work.

[At any rate, Ikki has clearly given up a long time ago the hope of meeting her once more ever again.]

And I know that was her own decision, just as she was the one who wanted to go see the final test. But I still hate it. I can't stand how they can be so kind and pure and give a guy like me so much that there's nothing left for them. As if that would make me happy. Specially when they go and say things like how they only care about me being happy and they are fine even if they have to suffer or go through something they don't like.

[The "she" becomes a "they" without him realizing it. But it's true, how many times has Kotomi told him something like that? How many times they have "argued" about how Ikki doesn't want Kotomi to just be happy because he's happy? To be happy for herself, to do things she wants to do even if it's something he doesn't like or enjoy. It really isn't a wonder why he has so many issues regarding her, she probably would be stupid enough to do the same things Esmeralda did for him if she was given the chance.]

Maybe she went to heaven or something, eh? Or got reincarnated if you think that's possible.

People like that... All you can do is try to make sure they don't suffer any extra, eh.

[He listens to the story calmly, and really, he wishes he had more to add, but yeah, the news about the cost of being a phoenix wasn't new to Marco at all. And if anything, he's still a little angry at Ace, at his father. Because as grateful as he is for all the time they did have together, it would never be enough, and being told that the has to live to protect the rest of his brothers seemed like a punishment. An unfair trade for a cursed fruit, or a type of armor.]

That's what Elysium was, heaven, the place were those who were pure and never did harm or committed a sin went to. She wasn't there when I went there and I doubt she could have gone there given how Hades ruled the afterlife.

[A brief pause.]

Just so you get an idea of how it was... Gathering flowers was considered a murder because plants are living beings as well. There weren't many flowers that could survive in the island, but there were still a few and Esmeralda liked to collect them and put them in a vase as a reminder of her for those times she couldn't come to see me or tend my wounds.

[So it's clear that she was hell material according to how the Specters interpreted the laws. It's also clear in his tone how unfair that was. It's the only reason why he thinks that, after all, killing Hades and destroying both heaven and hell was an improvement for those who died. Even if all that awaited for them was nothingness, it was better than an eternal torture just because they stepped on an ant once. He doesn't comment on the reincarnation part, even if it was possible, he doubts Esmeralda was lucky enough to be able to do so.]

Try to make sure they don't suffer any extra. That's easier said than done. Specially if they come to understand what's the price of being a phoenix and realize that no matter what, at the end we will always be hurt and lose those we care about. It's one of the things I try to not let Kotomi-chan know, as oblivious as she can be at times, if she were to understand that, and she could... It would hurt her more than it could ever hurt me.

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