Marco the Phoenix (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fierybluebird) wrote2014-04-14 10:59 pm
fierybluebird) wrote2014-04-14 10:59 pmLetters from Xifer
A series of correspondence letters between a phoenix and his boy.
fierybluebird) wrote2014-04-14 10:59 pm
4/18/2014
That's how the game is played! I'm not sure what he's trying to teach you either, but I think figuring it out is probably part of the game too.
Most people aren't as smart as you, probably. But I'm glad Aya helped you out! I'm not very good at sparring. Even with my brothers, it's very hard to hold back, and they get offended if I do, but I don't want to hurt them! And it's hard to use my full strength. Birds have to conserve energy, so I'm always thinking two steps ahead. Besides, racing is more fun if you ask me!
Who is DiZ? I don't think I've heard the term Nobody or Heartless before in the way you're using them either. Can you explain them? You seem like Somebody important with a Heart to me, so I don't get it. I still like that my name is like yours, so you can tell Lea I'll kick him for complaining about it. I think it's creative.
If Xemnas comes, I'll help fight to protect you. Mr. Marco, Mr. Thatch, and Captain Ace will too I'm sure. And Lea. So don't worry too much, okay? Individually we're strong, but together we're even stronger.
It's okay to be sad sometimes, but there's nothing wrong with being protected either. Our Pops was the strongest man in the world, but we all still protected him. Being strong just means that sometimes you know you have to have help protecting the things important to you, and being loved means people want to protect you. Mr. Marco says it's really hard for a lot of people to love themselves so that's why they have to let other people help protect them. It's hard, because when everyone wants to protect each other, they don't want someone getting hurt instead of them. Captain Ace has that trouble a lot. He doesn't want his crew ever hurt so he always tries to make sure he blocks it all, but sometimes that doesn't work, and then what?
For now, I think you should just work on finding a
placemeansway[[In which Marco has trouble translating this word in his own head and has to get Thatch's help]] happy medium where both you and Lea can accept protecting each other. My brothers and I don't always want each other's protection either, but if we don't find a way to get it, we won't be as strong in battle as we need to be.Not having all of your memories must be really scary! I know I'd be scared! Mr. Marco says he would too. I think I get it though. It's tied in with the heartless nobody thing, right? If you got all your memories back you'd be somebody? So maybe it's part of yourself protecting you. Or part of the computer thing do it. I don't know much about that kind of thing I guess.
What if you got an VIII with a heart? That way it shows Lea you understand that even though he's not the same, even though he's changing, you still appreciate the past.
I wanted to tell you about Thatch. He's different too now. There's a lot I can't say, but sometimes it scares me. I think sometimes I probably scare him too because I'm not the same, and that's really hard. I had to do some things I hated, and he's upset about that because he wasn't able to do them for me instead, or even able to help me with them. It must be really tough with Lea, but I think maybe he feels a bit like that. He doesn't want to remember the bad things, but it's hard for him to remember that there good things there too. I guess that leaves it to you to remind him of the good things, but still be ready to make even more new good ones! It'll be really hard, but do you think you can do it?
That's what I'm trying to do with Thatch. The things different about him now scare me, but they're a lot more like me than I ever thought possible! So I have to try to give us both a chance to do those new things.
If you fall asleep for days again I'll definitely come join you, but I won't kick you. Lea would get really mad, and it never wakes up Captain Ace so I don't think anything would work on him like that.
I'll make us a fort on the deck too. Just in case. It depends on whether Mr. Marco sends me on a mission. He doesn't know yet because he says it depends on another crew, but if I stay here tonight instead, I'll be out on deck where you can find me.
- Xifer
4/18/2014
I guess you probably heard I got really mad at Marco. I didn't mean to. Sometimes when I get mad I don't know what to do. I just, I don't know, explode. I said I was sorry though. Hopefully he'll forgive me.
I don't want people to hold back, but I kind of held back against Selphie. I just used one sword. I won, but she did really well. I wouldn't want anyone to hold back against me though. I'm strong, I can take it. If I can't, then I'm not strong enough yet. So far though, I do okay.
Yeah, I'll try and explain it a little. I should back up a lot. A Heartless is a creature or a being of some kind that doesn't have a heart. Most of the Hearless are like creatures. There were thirteen Nobodies. So a Nobody is someone who's a Heartless, but looks like a person. So when someone strong loses their heart, that's when they come out of it a Nobody. At least, I think there were only thirteen.
This kind of goes to your question about my memory too. No amount of memory is going to make me a Somebody. For me to be a Somebody, I'd have to get my heart back...only that can't ever happen. I don't get it all myself. It has something to do with Naminé. See, when Lea was Axel, who was his Nobody, he knew his whole life before. He looked the same, and now that he's back he remembers everything. Before losing his heart, afterwards and when he came back. I'm not entirely sure what happened with me. Not really. But my Somebody is Sora. He's whole again, because he's from the future to where I'm from. Which means what's left of me, if anything, is locked inside of him. If I get my heart back, there is no more Roxas. Just Sora.
I don't really know DiZ. He's the one that locked me in the computer prison. It's like I was somewhere I knew, Twilight Town. Only it was fake. Everything was fake. My friends, my memories, the sunlight...all of it, and I didn't know it. None of the people I knew there were real. Naminé said they had to keep me there. They took my memories so I wouldn't leave. She's the one who told me I had to go back to Sora. I was about to, but I came here instead.
It's not really that creative, I don't think. All Xemnas did was take 'Sora' and add an 'x'. Roxas. Just like someone did for Lea. Axel. I know you're not a Heartless though. I guess I just didn't want to be the only one with a name like that.
Xemnas isn't the only one I have to worry about. Any of the Organization members, at least the ones that came back from Castle Oblivion, are looking for me.
I think me and Lea worked it out. I'm glad about that.
As for my memories, it's not scary. Mostly, it's confusing. I don't like feeling like I'm forgetting things and it's hard to learn new things sometimes. I don't know why this is happening to me, which is a little confusing.
It's sad, but the past is all I have. I don't get a future. I don't think Sora even knows me. At least, he didn't, until I came here. He knows about me, in that I existed, but I don't think he knows anything else. I just...stopped existing. I know Lea would be mad any way. He told Thatch no numbers for me. I just don't want to forget him. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.
I like remembering the good things. Most of our time together was good. We're really glad we can be together again here for now at least. We can work it out somehow.
Last time I fell asleep like that, it was for twenty-one days. It was in my journal at the castle. It's a long time to sleep. I don't know what happened, I just...fainted and didn't get up. I think Lea would worry. He wasn't at the castle then, he was gone to Castle Oblivion and I thought he was dead.
Okay Xifer. I'll look for you. If you're not here, it's okay. If you are, you can meet my chick.
-Roxas
4/18/2014
Dear Roxas,
You sound like Ace about that! Ace never wants me to hold back either. He's made of fire so I don't worry as much about kicking him, but I still won't use haki on him if I can avoid it. I'd regret it if I hurt him. I told Marco how you fought against Naesala and he was really impressed too! He says he knows you're pretty tough. You should try sparring with Namur sometime. But you have to be careful not to make him bleed or vice versa because blood really messes with his senses. Because he's a shark.
I still don't know how much I understand, but Mr. Marco says it's okay so long as I keep trying, so I'll always listen and you can explain whatever you want about it.
DiZ also sounds really mean, and prisons never sound good. I can't think of anything worse than prison, because then I wouldn't be able to fly. Prison is one of the worst things for a pirate.
I don't know if it's creative or not. But I still like my name because you gave it to me, and it sounds fun, even if being a Heartless is not.
I'm glad you and Lea worked it out! It's been a long time since I fought with my brothers. Except Thatch. But I don't even remember what we fought about now so it must not be important.
Numbers in our crew are usually a division thing. Mr. Marco
leadsused to lead the first division, of which I am a member, and Captain Ace led the second division, Mr. Thatch led the fourth. And Namur has an 8 on his neck for his division! So maybe Mr. Thatch thought it was like that too. I think the way you remember him already is working pretty well without an extra reminder, so I don't think you have to worry about forgetting him.As for existing or not, I think you would be surprised to know that a lot of the crew has nowhere to go back to. People tell me about it a lot because they know I can't talk to most of them, so I still have to keep it secret who, just like I won't tell anyone about what you said unless you want me to. But trust me, lots of the crew only have this ocean to be free on. I guess it's really hard on a lot of people, but you know Mr. Marco says Miss Kairi agrees with him that it just means we should enjoy this ocean as much as we can instead of trying so hard to go home. I know I don't want to go home yet at all. I just want to play with Ace and Thatch and Marco and Namur and everyone else here instead! So even though this is a present, it's a future too.
I hope you don't sleep that long again! That sounds like a coma. We'd probably all really worry.
A chick?! I'd love to meet her! Let me just have Marco fold this up already! And make sure you tell me her name! I think you're good at naming us!
- Xifer
4/20/2014
Hello again!!
You really took me by surprised when you learned that so quickly! See? I knew you're smart!
Don't worry too much about keeping the chick warm. You can put your hood on if you get really worried, but people give off electricity and heat that should keep her safe and happy. And don't worry, I'm sure you'll come up with a great name for her!
As for going home:
My Pops told me that home is just wherever you're happiest. Pirates don't really have a home other than our ship, but even the ship is more like another crewmember because of the way she protects you and vice versa. Captain Ace and Thatch don't live back in our world, that's why I'm going to make sure they enjoy it here. The longer we spend in this world, the less I think of the world we came from as ours. Even when we were there, no one wanted us except our Pops and each other. The whole world said we shouldn't have been born, because we're pirates and monsters. It's not the same as being heartless I guess, but it's treated similar. So being here without anyone wanting us except each other, is pretty much the same. The only difference is now Ace and Thatch are alive so that makes me really happy.
You said you thought you shouldn't exist, but I'm glad you do. I don't want you to go away. I don't want anyone to go away. That's why we try so hard to protect each other. I know Mr. Marco isn't as good at listening as I am, but if you try hard, I think he'll try hard to listen too, even if he doesn't agree.
I'm really scared of losing Thatch and Ace again. Especially since it hurt so much the first time I lost them. That's a secret though. All of it. Sometimes it makes me too scared to keep trying to make new friends. I almost was too scared to be your friend too because I didn't want to get sad when you go. See, that's the worst part of being a phoenix. I can survive almost anything, but I can't always protect everyone I want to, and when they die, I can't bring them back. And it always hurts worse than anything else. I remember everyone I've ever loved, and I've lost a lot of people now. Sometimes it feels really overwhelming. I try to be as brave as Captain Ace about making more friends, but it's really hard. I don't want to forget anyone, and sometimes even the hurt is better than nothing at all. It's difficult.
I think when it comes to Lea, you probably feel like I do about Thatch. I lost him once already so I'm always scared that if I even look away he'll disappear again. I wish I could tell you how to fix that, but I guess it can't be fixed so easily. Maybe the only thing we can do is enjoy what extra time we have with them and not worry about the future. After all, even worrying won't change it or make us able to protect them. We just have to give it our best.
And I think that's why you and I exist. Phoenixes in my world aren't supposed to be anymore. And Ikki said once that he thinks the reason his world only had him as a phoenix was because if there was more than one phoenix we'd fight a lot. I'm not sure, because Ikki and I almost never fight, but it's very lonely sometimes. And that's why I think it's important to remember that we can make friends and family with people totally different from us. We exist to make friends with those people and teach them what it's like. To show them things they can't experience, to show them things that are too painful for them to handle, but so that they know it exists and can grow stronger for themselves and to fix it for other people. We exist in spite of that impossibility because the worlds need us to be that difference, and even when things are fleeting, we can still enjoy the short time with those we love.
These days I get really angry when people are being stupid. I love that you always ask questions. Mr. Marco likes that kind of thing too, so you should ask him lots of questions if you think of it. A lot of the rookies on this ocean don't ask any questions or they only ask about stuff that is stupid. Too many people forget what's really important, and that frustrates me because I can't even remind them. Love is eternal, and having fun is important, but instead they get distracted with stupid things like gold or bragging about how they strong they are. The truly strong don't have to tell you, if you can't tell on your own, everyone else will tell you for them. It's bugging Ikki too, all the rookies. I'm not sure what to do about it. Right now all the anger just builds, and I try to let it go slowly. But if you ever want help, you can call for me and I'll give you a hug and listen, okay?
I get jealous too. I'm not even sure what of anymore. Everything I suppose. And then I remember I have wings and the rest of people don't. It doesn't make it better, but it does help to remember that we all have different things and even when we're jealous of other people, we have things that they're jealous too. So I guess the only thing that we can do about it is trade what we can and help each other out or something.
Sometimes I'm really mad at myself for getting to spend time with Ace and Thatch when the rest of my brothers aren't here. It feels like I should do more to help them, or do more to make up for the others, or do more to appreciate them since I'm lucky in getting to spend extra time with them at all. But I don't know how to do those things. I guess if I told Ace or Thatch they would both just say I don't need to try so hard. I just have to be here. So I think that should go for you too. You don't have to try so hard, just be here, we're glad to have you.
Sometimes I hate most of all that I'll exist beyond the others. Because of my phoenix thing. It's a selfish ability, and even when I try to use it to protect people, there's only so much I can do. If I could give it away for Ace or Thatch, I would, but they wouldn't let me. I wonder if Lea feels like that too. There's no right answer to that kind of thing, it just hurts and I hate it. Usually when I get upset with all that hate I just go flying so I can remember how the wind and waves feel. It doesn't make it go away or stop hurting, but the love of everything else helps drown it out. Want to come flying before I go on the mission with Marco? I'll show you a trick.
- Xifer
4/26/2014
I'm writing this letter while everyone's gone to the ball thing. There's a party here, it's really interesting to watch you know? Namur fed me raw fish. Isn't that weird? But you know what, it was pretty good! How weird is that? I have to tell Lea about it too.
I'm having a hard time coming up with a name for my chick. I told Lea I wouldn't give it an 'X' name because of everything, even though I told him I'd call it Axel when he was being mean to her. It doesn't suit her though. I don't really know a lot of girl names. I'm sure I can come up with something, somehow.
Maybe it's stupid to want someone to have a name like mine, but...Lea's not like me anymore. I don't know if anyone is, I didn't ask. But he got his heart back somehow and I think that might be the case. Although I guess I'm not there either. I just confused myself. Forget I said any of that.
You know this place is really great and I'm happy here. Well, happier then before anyway. I was okay in the prison Twilight Town but it was all fake. Everything and I thought things seemed weird when I was there. Because it all was weird. Sometimes I think this might be a dream too, and sometimes I worry that things might- no. I don't want to talk about that. I can't talk about what Lea and I talked about. Sorry Xifer.
It's okay if he doesn't listen to me. Most people didn't. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. They might have just been used to not listening to me by the time I could really start to ask annoying questions. Lea hates them sometimes, but he still does his best to answer them.
I love Lea. I can't bear to think about losing him again, even though I know I will. I'm afraid of it but I also know it will happen when I go back. This, this is our chance. This is our next life, just like we promised. I know Sora wants me to have a future too. He's a good guy. I just don't know how he can make that happen and I can't hope for it. It hurts to know that Lea is going to suffer more because of me. It isn't fair to him either. He'd rather spend time with me and just...do more things. I don't know. It's hard to explain, I guess.
Until I came here, I didn't really know any heart-people. I just had Lea and even then, we were fighting to the end. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean we get along all the time, but we get along better now. Sometimes I can't tell how he's feeling, or if he's joking with me. I have to work on that. I'm pretty bad at seeing other people's feelings. I'm not sure what was going on with Kairi either when I saw her at the beach but she seemed sad maybe? I guess it makes sense because sometimes I don't even know how I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling anything when I shouldn't. That's the biggest puzzle, just something I haven't tried to figure out at this point because it's just how it is.
Are you sure I don't ask about stupid things? I think you're the only person who thinks that Xifer. A lot of people think I should know everything. I met someone today who couldn't believe that I hadn't really gone to a real party before. He also didn't believe I'm as young as I am. I get it though, it's really complicated. Sometimes I feel like I should be older, but that's not how it works at all. I think I ask less questions now about the ship or working with Lea in the galley. I can't remember everything at once, but it seems like I get it after a bit. Mostly, I think I know what I'm doing now. It's not different from working at home, I learned what to do there and I did it.
I'm glad you think I don't have to try hard, but I really really do. If I didn't try to remember things, I might be in worse shape then I am now. I know that isn't really a normal case though. I like hugs and anytime you want one too I'll give you one, promise. I didn't do that at home either.
I really like flying with you Xifer, and your tricks are really great. I know I didn't get to this in time for that, but I had a lot of fun at the faire with you. All the food there was really delicious. I'm going to have to come up with some really great skateboard tricks to show you. I've been thinking about it.
I flew at home a couple of times. There's a world there with a fairy and I had a mission. She sprinkled dust on me and I started to fly around. Axel went with me too, later. It was really awesome and fun.
I can't remember if I told you this before or not but, you know I'm not a good guy right? In my world, the things I've done and everything that has been my whole life is bad. I think I told Selphie that once and she told me not to believe it. It's not as easy as that though, I played a huge part in making Kingdom Hearts. The biggest, most important part even. Without me and my keyblade, Kingdom Hearts wouldn't be realized at all. I'm not sure if it ever got finished after I left and I'm not sure what anyone can do with it but sometimes I feel really bad for all the hearts I took. I don't even know if I would have gotten my own heart. I don't think so. I think I was probably lied to. I wouldn't be surprised. Sometimes when I see how upset Lea is about everything because he has a heart now, I can't help but think it is worse then I realize. There's a lot of things I don't know, probably, and I might have done a lot more damage to the world then I thought.
It might seem weird to think I'm the bad one, huh? I don't feel like I'm bad exactly, just everything I've done so far has been. I guess if you're looking for the heroes, you need to seek out Sora and Riku.
I don't know why I was thinking about that tonight. Sometimes I think about the strangest things when I'm alone with my thoughts, just watching people do things.
Visit me again soon. I'll take care of the fort for you.
-Roxas