fierybluebird | 4th Wall Break Time!

[The hand over his head feels alien, it's a gesture he's familiar with but never being on the receiving end. Having never been able to depend on someone for even something simple, this whole moment feels strange and confusing by itself. And though he understands the gesture means to be soothing, he looks away, guiltily because he can't answer Marco's question.

It's not that he doesn't want to answer, he really can't. For every happy moment that he can remember in his life is tied with something else that makes the happiness have a bitter taste. He really can't say he has ever felt fully happy, and thus there's no way he can answer. There's no moment in his life that he would want to repeat over and over, just moments he could stand repeating once or twice. Maybe full happiness just isn't for him, at least he has love though, even if months ago he would have thought that was also impossible for him ever since Esmeralda died.

Ikki sighs, still frowning, still looking guilty and even pouty despite downing more alcohol into his system as Marco talks. It's a very unfamiliar position and though he has been basically the one getting Marco to explain those things, part of him still wants to rebel. It's only an explanation about something he didn't really understand, but even that feels like relying too much in someone else, and Ikki really isn't used to that. Even as a kid, whenever he did it all he obtained was pain and having to run away even more. However he doesn't rebel, instead listens in silence, trying to understand what Marco is explaining.

He had never thought sex could be like alcohol, a way to forget the bad things and enjoy the moment... It makes him wonder if that was why his mother brought Mitsumasa Kido to her bed again despite having already been used once. Was she really hopeful that things had changed? Did she think about wedding bells and white dresses? Or was it just because she was tired of working all day with nothing but a little kid as support and company. He can't remember her well anymore, but he remembers thinking that she looked tired everyday.

The idea brings out another can of worms, though, because before he could just blame Mitsumasa for everything. He could claim he charmed his mother again, that he fooled her and used her, having his way with her while she fell for his illusions. But Marco himself said it before, didn't he? "Women who'd die to protect their kids, they wouldn't let a man they didn't trust anywhere near those kids." She had brought him home, she had said he was his father but... She hadn't really let them be close, she had sent him to bed almost immediately, putting blankets, doors and full rooms in between Mitsumasa and her kid. So maybe, she wasn't fooled, maybe she just wanted to forget for a night. Forget about his she was all alone, forget about the kid that required so much from her and who was still too small to really help, because she was tired and suffering already. It's a possibility, with as many chances to be real as the one Ikki has firmly believed in for years, except that this one hurts him. Because all he can think of if that's the case is that he wasn't enough for his mother, he was weak and couldn't help and protect her from herself. And because of that she suffered, Mitsumasa... He just was there to pick whichever pieces he felt were worth to save, that's all.

His eyes are firmly set on the sand as all that buzzes in his mind, but he still listens to Marco. And once he's done, Ikki nods. Once. Dryly. He can understand it a bit better, no, he now understands. Before he didn't, he didn't even really know, he just thought he knew. Now he knows and understands. Even if he still has no interest in the idea of sex or making love. He doesn't even know what lust is beyond blood lust or combat lust, and those can't apply to that.]

I understand... I don't think I've ever hold back with Kotomi... Except for me accepting that I love her and confessing.

[Lack of interest can't be fixed that easily. Besides even if he was interested... Kotomi just doesn't fit in that context at all, anyone could tell with just a glance at her. It would be all the levels of wrong.]

Sorry for getting angry before. Guess I let my opinion be affected a bit too much by what I thought I knew from when I was a kid.

[Marco gives him a wry grin in return and impetuously pulls the other man into a quick one-armed hug. He can't help being over affectionate, he's been that way ever since Thatch and his other brothers in the Whitebeard pirates had started to show him that it was an okay way to be. A better way even, sometimes.]

Don't worry about it. The only reason I know this stuff now is that I had younger brothers to help me figure it all out. Hell, the first time I got kissed I nearly killed the person because I thought it was an attack. Thatch dragged me out dozens of times to pick up chicks and I still feel like I need him around to ask his advice on everything with Robin. [He'd even written Thatch letters and burned them. It helped, in its own way. But more with accepting Thatch's death than in getting advice. At least he still had Ace around to pester as needed.]

Feeling a little better about things? [Marco peers at him. He can't tell. It's obvious that everything Marco said got absorbed at least, and for that, he's grateful. He's had practice in helping explain such things to his little brothers before, but everyone's different and most of his brothers had a knack for ignoring him when he started talking sense. Still, it was a lot to really process, and whether Ikki was on a road to acceptance or healing, or something else entirely, that mattered.]

[Ikki let's him do, both for the alcohol and because he doesn't mind it that much. If it wasn't Marco it would be a different story, but he's already come to accept that Marco is pretty over affectionate and trying to change that is pointless. Besides, it's not a bad thing, even if Ikki still believes it's not his type of thing.

He smirks at the anecdote, honestly having trouble imagining that there was a time in which Marco had trouble with people. But he can believe it, he has no reason not to.]

And you call yourself the older brother? You needed your little brothers help you with something so simple? At least you're still older than me so I'm not as sad as you are.

[A wry joke, because he doesn't know what else to say. Honestly, whenever Marco talks about his brothers and anecdotes with them, Ikki finds himself in a position where it's hard to say something. Because he can't relate most of the time, he has never been there for his brothers and even if he had been their situations just... Wouldn't allow for much of that. Even if he was more friendly or social, or at least more willing to hang around with them, it probably wouldn't work. He still remembers how confused and weirded Hyoga was when he arrived to Luceti and began to see the life that Ikki had ended with there. They may be brothers by blood but that's all there is in that regard, besides that they are just fighting comrades... And not even comrades that will die together but most probably alone, each one of them.

He sighs and nods again.]

About what started this conversation... I feel better, yes.

[About other things? Some resulted from this very talk? Not so much.]

[Marco gently pokes Ikki's cheek.] Hey, I have experience where it counts, eh. It's all the extra fluffy things I didn't get. At least I never made a nest.

[Pauses and thinks about that a little.] Well, not one made of twigs and wood anyway. I did make one of ash and embers, but I was going through a phase and trying to prove something to my Pops, honestly the whole thing is a little hazy.

Blanket forts don't count as nests do they? I should ask Leanne. And then build one for Robin, but I have no idea how much Robin knows what that kind of thing means, oops.

[Takes a long drag from a bottle for himself.] I'd ask her to marry me, you know? Except I know she'd say no. Not here, not now. I still think of her as my mate. It's weird, eh. I've had partners before, or even a girlfriend, but never a mate-mate.

[He gives a ridiculous goofy grin.] I kind of like it. [A lot.]

So you did make a nest. So much for your defense excuse.

[Ikki arches an eyebrow and attacks again his bottle, finishing it already.]

And you don't remember what you wanted to prove? Sounds like an interesting story.

[And he has no idea about blanket forts so he doesn't bother to comment on it. Instead he just smirks as Marco goes on about how he would ask Robin to marry him.]

No need to hurry anyway, is there? You both are from the same world, even with being from different crews and everything else you have more chances to still get with her than many others here with their own partners.

[Ikki himself included, because even if Kotomi and him are from the same world, and they could be, Saints remain as a big unknown even with the fiasco of the Galactic Tournament, so she wouldn't know them anyway. But even then... Ikki's life and duty doesn't leave him with time or will to wander the streets of a city and meet by chance the treasure that Kotomi is.]

You're right, it's really nice to have that.

[And that's the most Ikki will say on the matter regarding his own feelings, for now at least, thank the alcohol for that.]

Hah. It wasn't outdoors. I swear anyone would get sick of the crow's nest jokes, eh.

Aye... something about how I didn't need a bed, just a fire pit I think. I was kind of wild when he first found me. Almost worse than Ace, and Ace was practically feral. I must have lost that argument though because I wound up in a hammock anyway.

[He grins about Robin and swirls his drink around in the bottle.] Maybe. Even if... no, when they reach me back in our world, there's no guarantee she'd want me though, eh? And besides, I need to kill Blackbeard and Akainu, and a half dozen others. It'll be a long while yet, but we'll see.

Your phoenix ability is related to the stars right? Think you can use that again to find Kotomi-chan after all this?

[That makes Ikki laugh a bit at the image.]

Wild? You sound more like a five years old brat to me.

[He chuckles again, imagining the scene as best as he can. Marco stubbornly yelling that he is fine with his fire pit and Whitebeard ending just dragging him to a hammock or something most probably. That or Marco ending with back pains and going to the hammock anyway in the middle of the night with his pride wounded.]

Even with all that, there's still a chance. And you both make a good couple as far as I can see.

[His bottle is finished as he contemplates what Marco says next.]

If I remember her Cosmos, I'll be able to find her no matter where she is or how old she is... But even if I remembered I wouldn't have time to search for her, even assuming I survive everything and reach a time in which I can stop and do something for Ikki rather than for Phoenix Ikki... By then she probably will be dead or will have found someone more suited for her.

The only loves a Saint may have are his love for Athena and his love for the humanity Athena protects. Or something like that, Guilty never actually told me about that but I bet at least one of the others had to heard that from their masters.

Maybe a little. [Grins fondly at the memory.]

Ah... thanks, eh. Can't hurt to give it my best, aye?

Eh, screw Athena. [Waves a hand back and forth.] If your leader doesn't want your happiness and to help your dreams too, they're not a good captain.

If you don't give it your best I'll find a way to your world and kick your ass myself. You have no valid excuses to not do it. And if it doesn't work... Just try harder, with what you have told me about your world and what Smoker has told me I doubt there's anyone who could please her more than you if you put your mind on it.

[Really, even you have mentioned there are pirates that are worse than others.

The next comment, though, makes Ikki visibly flinch as he grabs another bottle.]

Don't go there.

[That's all he has to say on the matter. It's not because he doesn't want Athena to be disrespected, he's the first one who does that. But he doubts Marco wants to hear in detail about what goes on in Athena's head and her great ideas of how to support their happiness and dreams.]

[He flushes at Ikki's faith in him, just completely flushes and nods numbly.] Thanks. I don't know that I'm the best for her or anything, but I can't think of anyone better and I want her to be happy. Definitely. I'm going to hold you to that promise though. Come kick my ass if I forget. When it comes to Robin, I'll take all the help I can get. She's worth any loss of pride.

Hm...

Are you sure? Mah... Do you know it every iteration of her is like this? Since you said it's happened before and all.

I would have been surprised if you said otherwise. With all you have told me you don't seem the type that would talk about marrying someone if they weren't worth anything you would need to do to be with them.

[Ikki growls and takes a long gulp of his drink.]

Athena... She's not that bad, but she has an annoying tendency of forgetting little details and acting without even asking for another's opinion. Or even without a warning.

You would think she would leave a note or something for her remaining Saints to know what she's planning to do when she lets herself be killed, but no, that takes effort and it's much better to leave us to guess it or have a man that seemed to be an enemy explain it to us. Or, well, them, I didn't think for a second that that woman would die that easily, otherwise I would have killed her long ago.

[A heartbeat.]

She has tried it before, you know? Sending us to have normal lives, have us stop being Saints and just... Live on. I don't know what idea she had but she didn't want us to fight in the war against Hades because we had already fought a lot in her opinion. She wanted us to be the normal teenagers we hadn't be allowed to be.

So she ordered the remaining Saints to kill us on sight should we approach the Sanctuary, with the option of just kicking our asses away of it when the war was about to start. She didn't tell us anything, not even a "Hey, guys I'm done with you, good job go take a rest." Nothing. My brothers... Didn't take the lack of information well... And reacted as one would expect them to react, by being stubborn and ready to invade the Sanctuary again to get to her and ask what the hell was she thinking. And obviously none of us listened to her orders of not getting us involved, which saved her ass and the world as a whole.

[Another swing at the bottle.]

I still find it funny, that she would want us to have normal lives when she's the cause why we can't have them. And we can't. My world isn't like this place where it's okay if you don't have studies or anything, you always manage. Back there, we only know how to live as Saints, we don't really even know how to deal with normal people anymore, no education, no jobs, no houses to crawl into, nothing. And she expected us to get a normal life just because she said so. Idiot.

[At the first part Marco grins wryly and nods. It's completely true and that's all there is to say about that.]

[He settles down to listen, and reflects over it a bit. Honestly, it sounded like Ace. Ace was dumb enough to tell everyone to get out of Marineford and go live a normal life without him, completely forgetting that they were only there because they chose to be and they weren't going to be happy without him. Idiot.]

[Marco reaches over and ruffles Ikki's head again as reassuringly as possible.]

People with that much guilt are a pain in the ass to deal with, eh? Especially if you love or need them.

[Ikki shakes his head though even if he initially accepts the ruffle, another head pat or something similar and he will start thinking Marco is definitively treating him like a little brother.]

Don't get me wrong, I hate her and I don't need her. None of us actually really like her that much, though I suppose Seiya had finally grown up past the stage of pulling hair. He's probably the only one that comes close to love her. I suppose Shun also has come to like her, but that kid likes basically anyone or at least is polite enough to stand them all... No, I wouldn't say any of us, with one possible exception, love her or care her as a person.

But she's Athena, she has proved that, and despite her background in our lives, Athena as a goddess is... At least she doesn't aim to kill humanity.

[Ikki is reticent to claim that she's really good, but that's due his personal beliefs.]

But as I said, protecting her is all we have. And even if we had a chance to have a normal live... What's the use of it if in a few days the world gets destroyed because her Majesty couldn't protect her own ass? So we ignore her claims and guilt of convenience, because honestly, if she was really guilty, if she really wanted us to have normal lives and was sorry, she could have done much more far earlier than she did. But she didn't. You can't rip someone away from a normal life, force them into another one and then try to discard them back to the normal life depending on if you want to have your conscience clean or not.

And you never told her any of this yourself or does she just not listen?

She doesn't think and listening to others that weren't her "lovely" grandfather was never a skill she could brag about.

Sounds a little like Ace when he first joined us. It took him forever to grow out of it more, eh.

Maybe Athena will too eventually.

... To be frank, at times I doubt we really know or have ever seen Athena. It's just Saori all over the place trying to act as the goddess she's supposed to be.

[He grimaces at the thought.]

While it's clear that she is Athena and has her Cosmos and all. I don't think the person acting most of the time is really Athena, she has never transmitted the same feeling as her Cosmos does when she talks or acts most of the time.

So rather than grow up, she should just stop playing pretend and become the real Athena completely.

What if she doesn't know how to do that? Maybe that's why she tried to send you all away, because she figured she wasn't capable, eh.

4th Wall Break Time!

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