fierybluebird | 4th Wall Break Time!

[He will totally be checking that later.]

Going nuts for any reason is a pain in the ass, period. I bet someone in your crew would say it was cute or something like that.

[He may not get nuts and he may go to check the video, but he's not going to go "awww cute" or anything like that at it. Losing full control of yourself, feeling intoxicated and prompted to do things you wouldn't or to do them more than you would... That's not a laughing matter, really and he gets that.]

Aye. Ace did. And a few others. Damned annoying, eh.

[He appreciates that man.]

I can tell. At least I can't complain when I get drunk and make embarrassing broadcasts, it's all my fault. But to do that without your permission isn't good.

[Pause.]

I still want to check on it though. Guess I can't beat curiosity after all.

It's really not that impressive.

[His blush says otherwise.]

I'm actually more worried what will happen this year. Now that I'm dating Robin.

You'll ditch her for a bunch of flowers to roll over, of course. I don't think she will hold it against you.

[Mating season, what's that.]

Ahah... No... Not so much...

[Drags a palm down his face.] More like I'll try to convince her to be the flowers with her hands devil fruit and --

[Clears his throat and looks away.]

I guess it'll just be me and the turtles.

I should have known eh, you don't hibernate either.

You don't look sleepy to me right now.

[Pause.]

I don't really get what you mean by wanting to roll over her hands. Your flames may not burn but that's going to hurt her.

It's the middle of the day and I'm outside getting sun. When it's cloudy it gets worse. And the shorter hours screw up my bird senses.

[Gulps. Nope nope, bright red now. And he clears his throat.]

She has...

She can...

It's not hands so much as that she can multiply any part of her she wants. And she can used them to make duplicates of herself or giant versions of things... and when she makes them disappear, flower petals briefly float. Like my sparkles? It's ah...

I'm just saying if I'm going to be rolling in flowers...

I wonder how I could even approach that to her...

[Why are you getting red, man.]

I'm familiar with how Robin powers work and look. Smoker spent a week or so face-palming five times at the same time thanks to that. It was... Entertaining.

But even if she can multiply any part of her body, won't it hurt her if you roll over said parts all the same? Your flames don't burn but still...

[Hi, my name's Ikki and my brain really can't relate sex with love.]

[/Sobs. He really doesn't know how to explain this.]

I'm saying there are other things she can do with it, eh? In sex. And kinky things. And it'll be spring. Spring isn't just flowers, it's... fuck. Just.

Never mind. I'll control it fine probably. Hell with my bad luck, the Malnosso will kidnap her all of spring so it won't matter.

[Nope, still bright red forever okay.]

[And here's when Ikki finally gets what Marco means... And doesn't take it well, in fact he frowns angrily.]

I thought you said you loved Robin! Why do you want to have sex with her?

[And he says the word with as much poison and disgust as he can.]

[Marco just stares in absolute confusion.]

You've lost me.

Usually that's when people have sex. When they love each other. Romantically.

Like hell they do.

[And he sounds all guarded and stubborn and probably very childish about it.]

I may have been a brat back then but I saw it, I heard it and I know what came after that. All that sex gave my mother was pain. All it brought to the mothers of all my half brothers was pain and death. Just because they had sex with that man and they got pregnant, he just got rid of them the moment he needed the children as canon fodder.

There was no love there. What people who love each other do is make love, not have sex.

[Guess who is convinced that "making love" is totally different from "having sex".]

Whoa.... hold on, eh? [Rests a hand on Ikki's forehead and gestures inside to the bar.]

Come on, let's grab some drinks from the bar and find a place to sit outside away from people, aye?

Making love is just what people call sex to make it sound less vulgar and more removed of lust. What you're describing... [He nicks about as many bottles as he and Ikki can get away with carrying and gestures to the teleporter. Less people by the beach.] That's not love, that's not even mutual sex, that's rape, all right? Making love is still sex, it's just got different connotations because of language. You know that, right?

[He just follows Marco, grabbing the bottles in silence and frowning and almost even pouting. You're going to fight twenty-two years of malformed ideas, on a very stubborn phoenix, that's not going to be easy.]

I know what rape is. I've seen that too and I will admit that it was worse than sex. But it was different. My mother brought him home, she was happy, she was willing. And the next morning she was alone, crying and... She couldn't think well.

[Crazy, is the word, but Ikki will never admit it even if he knows it's probably the only way to describe it.]

That's... still rape.

Or at least...

[Sighs and rubs the back of his neck. Because in his world, in his definition, if there are regrets, than it's wrong.] What they wanted was not the same.

[Opens a bottle and hands it to Ikki before opening one of his own.] Look, not every single partner I've had I was in love with. I'm a pirate, and I've had my share of wild times. But I wouldn't have sex with someone who'd regret it the next morning. That'd be belittling to myself. So if someone was going to have sex with me thinking that we'd run off and get married, I wouldn't sleep with them until they understood why that can't happen. Some guys might just sleep with a girl anyway and let them think whatever they want, but like I said, that'd be belittling to me. I don't want sex just for the sake of sex, and if the next morning the woman wakes up and regrets the night before, that's on me just as much as her because it means I messed up somewhere.

[ikki just takes the bottle and without really paying attention actually downs a full quarter of it in one go. This affects him more than he thinks and his frown remains in place even as Marco explains.]

And if they understood you wouldn't run off and get married the next day... Then you would have sex with them even if you don't love them?

[His tone isn't judgmental at least, it's just... Confused.]

I think it depends.

All right there's... my phoenix side, and then being a pirate. As a pirate I'm more inclined to say selfishness is fine as long as you can keep it enough in check to still protect your nakama, eh? But it can get out of hand. If a partner wanted more than I could give them, she'd be upset that I was only taking and not giving enough back. So I wouldn't get into that kind of relationship because it's not worth it. One night stands aren't that bad as far as I'm concerned; but only if both sides are on the same page. And if you end up with a kid, it shouldn't be a one-night stand, because no matter what you've done something more and there's responsibility that goes along with it.

[Snaps his fingers.] That's life that got made. Like Sophie. My friends all look after her, but her parents aren't even in Luceti anymore, but Sophie still is. I get it, eh? The parents might have been really in love and done their best and hoped as hard as they could that they'd stay here with Sophie to watch her grow up, but things happen. Here or another world, they could have died, or something else could have happened. But either way, that kid still exists. She's here and a sweet kid, but people have to look after her. So that's not a "one-night stand" thing. If here parents were here, they'd still look after her. Ideally, that's because of love. So already, you can't say sex never has anything to do with love.

People can have sex and not be in love. It's... physical and lust and it's not necessarily always bad. But if they're going to do that, they're still getting into something. If they want just sex and literally nothing else attached, they have to make sure nothing else happens. Both sides do. Openly and clearly. And there's still a small act of trust. [He runs a hand through his hair thinking back on one-night stands and the like.] I can't... most... women who'd die to protect their kids, they wouldn't let a man they didn't trust anywhere near those kids. It goes against instinct, eh? Look, aye... I've had sex without love. But if the woman was going to regret it, I wouldn't have. No way in hell. Because it's like amounting both of us to quick drug highs. And I'm more than that. I want more than that, I need more than that. I wouldn't let someone fuck me either if we were wanting different things in life or from each other.

[Ikki listens, still frowning, still looking confused, still drowning that bottle. He understands what Marco says, he understands the worlds and such but... It just doesn't make sense.]

Hn... I don't think I really get it, why would you want to have sex if you don't love them and you don't aim for kids?

[The only lust he knows is the one for blood and combat.]

Because it's fun. Because the rush of endorphin is like nothing else you probably ever can or will experience otherwise.

What is the most you have ever enjoyed anything ever? Or the happiest you've ever been?

[Just... A blank stare, adorned with a frown but it's very rare for Ikki to not frown, really. And silence, tons of silence because he doesn't even have to try to think to know that, nope, there's no moment in his life he would call the "happiest ever" or that he enjoyed more than anything. He has been happy, but there has always been a huge shadow pulling down any happiness he could have.

So he doesn't even bother to try to answer. Just staring at Marco to get his point across.]

[Reaches out and rests a hand over Ikki's head, his voice going quiet and soothing.]

Okay, don't answer that, eh.

Not everyone has love in their life, eh? For whatever reason. Maybe they're incapable, or they're miserable, or they think they don't deserve it so they push it away.

For all that people crave the physical intimacy of sex, it's still usually an expression of love. As much as people drink, or smoke, or do anything else, some people just have sex because they want the physical, or just the mental and emotional relief of being allowed to forget all the bad things for a little bit and just enjoy the moment.

Sex can be bad. If someone makes it about power or just trying to get something out of it without regard for their partner. When it comes to me and Robin, we have fun. There are some considerations, eh? We're still in different crews, different families, so there are some tangles, eh? But we respect each other. And we love each other. I mean even beyond just the relationship we have, the sex is part of that. It's fun to try new things with her because I trust her that much, eh?

I'm not saying you and Kotomi-chan are ready or anything, but if you love each other as much as you clearly do, you don't have to hold back forever. Sex, making love, whatever you call it, it's about what the two of you have together. For some people, that might not be a lot, or maybe it's not what they hope for or think. But for two people who do have a lot together, it means that much more, eh?

[The hand over his head feels alien, it's a gesture he's familiar with but never being on the receiving end. Having never been able to depend on someone for even something simple, this whole moment feels strange and confusing by itself. And though he understands the gesture means to be soothing, he looks away, guiltily because he can't answer Marco's question.

It's not that he doesn't want to answer, he really can't. For every happy moment that he can remember in his life is tied with something else that makes the happiness have a bitter taste. He really can't say he has ever felt fully happy, and thus there's no way he can answer. There's no moment in his life that he would want to repeat over and over, just moments he could stand repeating once or twice. Maybe full happiness just isn't for him, at least he has love though, even if months ago he would have thought that was also impossible for him ever since Esmeralda died.

Ikki sighs, still frowning, still looking guilty and even pouty despite downing more alcohol into his system as Marco talks. It's a very unfamiliar position and though he has been basically the one getting Marco to explain those things, part of him still wants to rebel. It's only an explanation about something he didn't really understand, but even that feels like relying too much in someone else, and Ikki really isn't used to that. Even as a kid, whenever he did it all he obtained was pain and having to run away even more. However he doesn't rebel, instead listens in silence, trying to understand what Marco is explaining.

He had never thought sex could be like alcohol, a way to forget the bad things and enjoy the moment... It makes him wonder if that was why his mother brought Mitsumasa Kido to her bed again despite having already been used once. Was she really hopeful that things had changed? Did she think about wedding bells and white dresses? Or was it just because she was tired of working all day with nothing but a little kid as support and company. He can't remember her well anymore, but he remembers thinking that she looked tired everyday.

The idea brings out another can of worms, though, because before he could just blame Mitsumasa for everything. He could claim he charmed his mother again, that he fooled her and used her, having his way with her while she fell for his illusions. But Marco himself said it before, didn't he? "Women who'd die to protect their kids, they wouldn't let a man they didn't trust anywhere near those kids." She had brought him home, she had said he was his father but... She hadn't really let them be close, she had sent him to bed almost immediately, putting blankets, doors and full rooms in between Mitsumasa and her kid. So maybe, she wasn't fooled, maybe she just wanted to forget for a night. Forget about his she was all alone, forget about the kid that required so much from her and who was still too small to really help, because she was tired and suffering already. It's a possibility, with as many chances to be real as the one Ikki has firmly believed in for years, except that this one hurts him. Because all he can think of if that's the case is that he wasn't enough for his mother, he was weak and couldn't help and protect her from herself. And because of that she suffered, Mitsumasa... He just was there to pick whichever pieces he felt were worth to save, that's all.

His eyes are firmly set on the sand as all that buzzes in his mind, but he still listens to Marco. And once he's done, Ikki nods. Once. Dryly. He can understand it a bit better, no, he now understands. Before he didn't, he didn't even really know, he just thought he knew. Now he knows and understands. Even if he still has no interest in the idea of sex or making love. He doesn't even know what lust is beyond blood lust or combat lust, and those can't apply to that.]

I understand... I don't think I've ever hold back with Kotomi... Except for me accepting that I love her and confessing.

[Lack of interest can't be fixed that easily. Besides even if he was interested... Kotomi just doesn't fit in that context at all, anyone could tell with just a glance at her. It would be all the levels of wrong.]

Sorry for getting angry before. Guess I let my opinion be affected a bit too much by what I thought I knew from when I was a kid.

[Marco gives him a wry grin in return and impetuously pulls the other man into a quick one-armed hug. He can't help being over affectionate, he's been that way ever since Thatch and his other brothers in the Whitebeard pirates had started to show him that it was an okay way to be. A better way even, sometimes.]

Don't worry about it. The only reason I know this stuff now is that I had younger brothers to help me figure it all out. Hell, the first time I got kissed I nearly killed the person because I thought it was an attack. Thatch dragged me out dozens of times to pick up chicks and I still feel like I need him around to ask his advice on everything with Robin. [He'd even written Thatch letters and burned them. It helped, in its own way. But more with accepting Thatch's death than in getting advice. At least he still had Ace around to pester as needed.]

Feeling a little better about things? [Marco peers at him. He can't tell. It's obvious that everything Marco said got absorbed at least, and for that, he's grateful. He's had practice in helping explain such things to his little brothers before, but everyone's different and most of his brothers had a knack for ignoring him when he started talking sense. Still, it was a lot to really process, and whether Ikki was on a road to acceptance or healing, or something else entirely, that mattered.]

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